Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I don't wanna grow up/Moving On

On Sunday we threw a "Farewell to Lise and Dan Party. John and I also invited some of our crew on the films we're currently working on too but for the most part, in my mind, it was all about Lise and Dan.
Now, I have mention before that Lise and Dan moved down here literally at the same time I did. We both moved down for different reasons and somehow lucked out and managed to find a duplex where we both currently live. I'm the bottom half. They are the top half.

I have grown quite accustomed to having one of my best friends from middle school living right above me. I feel so lucky that when I transitioned into adulthood I had a friend who was there not for my first REAL puberty but also my adulthood one. Now, as the week is slowly coming to an end, and I'm realizing she's leaving I have begun to freak out and feel like, "Oh shit, I truly AM a adult now"
Even though I don't see her everyday it's still comforting to know she's not only a phone call away, but a knock on the door. I have not only knocked on her door to literally borrow some sugar but also when a stray dog I found after Hurricane Gustav suddenly died in my arms. She (and Dan) were there as I was crying and she took charge and made arrangements to have KiKi (the dog) cremated. While I now live with John, and I know he would take charge there is still something different about crying in one of your best (girl)friend's arms.
My Dad still has the same group of best friends since he was in 3rd grade. I always thought that was really cool and realize how hard it is to maintain friendships for that long. Even more so when you don't live in the same state/country. It's funny to think that my children will think the same thing of my group of girlfriends one day and that I will tell stories to Lise's children about how we not only grew up together as kids but also grew into adulthood together in our lovely city New Orleans.
Not only will I miss one of my besties but sadly Jackson will too. Lise and Dan took in Franco fairly shortly after they moved down and I was given Jackson a year later. I will never forget when they first met. Jackson was so scared of big ole Franco. He had only known film sets with people and mean cats who swiped at him. It didn't take long for these two to become best friends. Whenever we take Jackson for a walk he always runs up to Franco's "door" and sniffs it in hopes that he'll magically come out to play. The idea of him doing this after Lise moves makes me tear up and honestly, I will most likely cry when he does it the first week or so after she moves. I shall embrace Jackson and whisper in his puppy ear, "I know, Buddy. I want to play with them too". Note: John and I are looking at places to move because we figure it's better to just confuse the shit out of him than have him mourn the moving of his best friend.
Originally, when we moved down to New Orleans we had ANOTHER bestie from Pennsylvania who lived here. She actually wins on beating us to discovering how amazing New Orleans as she went to college here and stayed for year after graduating. She is now getting her doctorate in Australia for something I have NO CLUE about so I tell most people she's just making a robot unicorn.
“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.” -Henri Houwen
I know it's a topic I talk about alot on my blog and I feel guilty it comes up so often but when you're grieving a death it's pretty hard not to think about how it relates to everything. Having Lise living right above me when my mother died definitely helped me a great deal. While I know I don't talk to her as often as you may think I would about it, just having her near me makes a huge difference. John is a major support to me. He has lost his father and knows the pain I feel. None of my core girlfriends have lost a parent yet and sometimes it's just really damn frustrating because words can't express how you feel and you want your friends to understand what it feels like but you are also pained/scared that you know one day they will eventually know. Lise and I have known each other basically since we were 10. We know each others parents. We know what kind of relationships we have with our parents. Good or Bad. We know each others histories so well that just being near each other during epically hard times can be the best therapy. I don't need to give a back story to a event to explain why something emotionally hurts. I know that she just knows and I hope she feels the same way about me. I hope all my core PA girls feel this way about not only me but each other. 
The PA gang (minus Meredith) age: 20?
One positive thing about Lise moving (and I hesitant GREATLY when I say positive) back to Pennsylvania is I know I will have at least one of my core girls back home when I go to visit. Two of them live in New York City which is only a 3 hour train ride. So, while I don't have one near me at all times there is a greater chance of having 4 of the 6 together during a visit home. I'm trying to find some form of a positive here, guys!
While I'm still currently shooting a movie outside of New Orleans and am able to stay in a hotel during the week so I don't have to drive at least a hour (if not more) back and forth to work (with calltimes at 5am) I'm going to try and make it work for what little remaining time I have with Lise in New Orleans and drive home every night. I know I'll see her again after Friday but somehow it seems so dramatic in my head like I never will.

Monday, May 23, 2011

The best medicine

So, I'm still sick. I stayed home from work and decided to go to Urgent Care because I haven't felt this sick since 4th grade when I had some weird flu-like virus that knocked me out for a week and a half. This was also the sickness that made me in a fever-ish fit become scared of "I Dream Of Jeanie" and "Bewitched" in the same night. Upon going to Urgent Care I realized I could not afford it and came home to sulk and figure out another way to treat my freaky sickness.
Also, now as a adult, I hate that the treatment of my sickness is fully on me. This means trying every old wives tale in the book to treat my sickness because I can't afford a real doctor who could easily just write me a prescription for penicillin which I know is what I need. My current doctor goes by the name of "Google". You may have heard of him. He provides VAST knowledge of every disease in the world. You have sore throat? Well, damn girl, that could be the common cold or CAAAAANCER! Honestly, Dr. Google doesn't help me treat anything but my hypochondria.
While I sit here and chug ginger ale, down bottles of Advil to kill the fever, and gargle salt water I can't help but think....I wish I had a box of smarties because those were damn tasty pills. Oh hellz yes, THOSE would make me feel better.
Oh yeah, guys. You remember those tasty little treats you used to eat one by one at lunch and pretend you were being grown up and taking pills (No more liquid medicine, Ma!). Also, do ya'll remember thinking one color "pill" tasted better then the other ones? I do even though as an adult I realize it's total bullshit. Or maybe my adult taste buds just suck. Or maybe it's my sickly adult taste buds. Either/or, it's different now.
So, now that I've rambled on about absolutely nothing other than my complete bitterness that health care isn't free I feel I should peace out and sulk some more while watching some more Netflix instant play. Has anyone seen "All Good Things" starring Ryan Gosling yet? I totally recommend it MINUS a fever.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Yesterday I came home early from work with a fever of 103. I've since knocked it down to 99.8. Coming home early from work made me think of sick days when I was a kid and laying in bed with my Mom, drinking vegetable broth, and watching crappy TV. Other than laying in bed with my Mom I did exactly the same thing. My top two favorite things to watch as a kid when coming home sick were:
1) Gullah Gullah Island
2) The Price is Right
What were your favorite shows to watch when you were sick as a kid?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Ladies + Heat = SUCK IT

Listen, I love being a woman. And I will always embrace all the things that come with being a woman. For better or worse. But sometimes, on really freakin' hot days, I really just want to punch my uterus and yell, "COME ON! GIVE ME A FREAKIN' BREAK"

*Note: I shall never have any shame about posting things about periods or poop. If this bothers you, please stop reading my blog.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

In It For LIFE!

Remember silly unexplainable games like "Punch buggy no punch backs?" Remember getting really frustrated when you were the loser and making a mental note to 1) make sure you punch that person NEXT time and 2) spit in their water when they're not looking. Well, my college friends (and now a larger extended group) have another game very much like this one. Not even sure if it has a name. I guess it may be called "Lincoln for Life" but honestly, normally whenever it's played I feel like a curse word such as "fuck" or "shit" comes before Lincoln's name is actually said....so maybe the game is called, "Shit fucker, Lincoln has got me for LIFE!"

Do not ask me who started this game. I do not know. Do not ask me who put me in this game for life. I also do not know. What I do know is that I am a freakish competitor in everything I do and if I lose the game than I'm bringing ya'll down with me.
Here are the rules (that make no sense):
-If you can make someone think about Abe Lincoln then you win.
-If you think about Abe Lincoln you lose.
I bet you're asking yourself, "Well, shit, you HAVE to think about him to make someone else lose". You are very correct with this thought. It is often the thought that goes through my head when I see a book at Border's about Lincoln as soon as I enter the damn store on the sales table. I quickly curse and then think, "Well, I might as well bring everyone down with me" and take a picture text and send it to everyone I know involved in the game.
Here is the REAL trick to "winning". Finding ways to get Lincoln in your friends hands without you thinking about it that day. Meaning sending them things.
                                                          1) The Cookie Cutter:
I mailed this to a few friends. I hope that they kept it and use it to make Lincoln cookies and it reminds them that I am a winner
2) Tagging
Within my group of friends (who are located all over the US) we have basically gotten to the point of knowing that if are tagged via a facebook photo album by someone that it most likely has something to do with Lincoln. Therefore, even before we see the photo we have lost.
3) Mailing photos....and TRULY winning.
I rarely, RARELY ask to take photos with actors that I work with. I hate, hate, HATE doing it. 1) I am super effin' awkward 2) I feel bad for them because it's not they are asking me to take a photo with them after we wrap a movie so why should I ask them 3) I feel like I have a million other things on my plate that I should be dealing with instead of taking the time to pause and take a photo.
That being said....I like winning. So sometimes, when I know it's a actor my friends enjoy I will cave and ask the actor to take a photo with me. Normally, I will also explain the game to the actor and how they are 1) helping me win and 2) they are in it for life.
Note: I am seriously ashamed of myself for even posting these photos and I am debating whether or not I'll keep them up
But through all my awkwardness with asking them to take the photos I get a major reward....and lose myself.....
Angry photos, like these that make me smile.
So, dear readers, I am sorry but you are now in the game for life as well. I feel a sick satisfaction with knowing this and feel like it may be a major "win". Feel free to try and make me lose. I love a good challenge. And for friends who are reading this who are already in the game....BOOYAH, MOTHA FUCKAS! I WIN/LOSE.....WIN!!!!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Wait...We're Flooding?

I've been getting alot of text messages/phone calls from my friends who live all around the US asking me "You doing okay with the flooding?". To be honest, I didn't know about the flooding until Monday morning when my Dad called me telling me about it. As the week went along more and more people continued to call me. I should note that I have been filming outside of the city and in the middle of nowhere so 1) I wasn't seeing anything first hand and 2) I rarely have time to poop at work let alone keep up with the news. That being said, it seems like the news, outside of the city, is making it seem like New Orleans is completely under water.
Today was the first day where I actually SAW the difference. We took Jackson to the Levee to have him go for a swim in the Mississippi River. Sounds stupid I know but honestly, because the flooding isn't that noticeable around the city I completely forgot.
To those of you who don't live here the water you see that is close to us in the photo is normally not there. Jackson and I would normally walk past the tree area and I'd have a tree stump to sit and drink my daiquiri as he swam/flocked in the water.
Poor little Jdog had to walk beside the water inside of swimming in it. There was no way in hell I'd let him attempt to swim in this. He's a strong swimmer but not strong enough for the current right now.
                                                  Sorry, Jdog. Maybe next weekend.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Kitties will puke on everything you love

There is nothing more amazing than being woken up at 4am on a Saturday morning after a long work week than one of your cats jumping on your stomach solely to vomit on your chest. Not only do you start to dry heave yourself but you may find things within the vomit that are worse than you'd imagine (example: cockroach legs).
My cats are healthy and full of energy but they still vomit from time to time. And when they do it they like to make sure it's 1) on me 2) on the couch in the corner 3) a area where I can only smell it and it takes me a day or two to find and when I do I once again start dry heaving 4) just about anything else that I wouldn't want them to vomit on. What's wrong with the middle of the wooden floor, guys? To easy for your Mom to clean up? Is that it? Thanks, I love you guys too.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Mixing: For My Mother's 60th Birthday

Today would have been my mother's 60th birthday. For those of you who know me, I always had this terrible gut feeling since I was young that one of my parents wouldn't make it to their 60th birthday. In all honesty, I thought it was going to be my father as he had a minor heart attack a few years ago and has alot of stress with his job. Mind you, I never wanted this to come true so when it did it was just another weight of pain added on to the grieving process. Why the hell would a 10 year old have this gut feeling 14 years before hand?
I won't lie that my body is consumed with sadness today. I feel drained, my chest hurts and feels heavy when I breath, I'm dizzy and feel on the verge of crying at any moment. Oh, and I'm work dealing with the stress of working on a film set. Please picture my "not giving a fuck" face right now. I've at least grown comfortable with admitting my mother died within the year to people who I have recently met. I'm a fairly private person (I know it's odd that I blog and say I'm private but please note I do censor what I write on this blog VASTLY) and even admitting this has been hard. I still am having problems switching from saying "My parents live in Pennsylvania" to "My father lives in Pennsylvania". Everytime I do I get flustered. I don't want people to assume my parents were ever divorced but I also don't feel like telling someone I barely know that my mother is no longer alive. It's bizarre, I know, but dealing with death is bizarre so you just make do and hope people who haven't dealt with a major death will understand.
So, I don't want to do ANOTHER "Debbie Downer" post so close to my Mother's Day one so I decided I should do a "Mixing" post in memory of my mother. I was fortunate enough to have parents with AMAZING taste in music growing up. While my Dad was more of a folk rock kinda guy my Mom was a Rock/Glam Rock woman. My life lessons were thought through songs by the Rolling Stones and The Doors. Examples:
"I saw a red door and wanted it painted black": Mom's translation: You don't have to fit in with everyone else just because it's the norm.
"The blue bus is calling us": Mom's translation: We had a blue Volvo growing up so whenever we had to leave for something she'd sing this
"I am the lizard king, I can do anything": Mom's translation: You can be/do anything you want to do when you grow up. Just do it.
"You can't always get what you want" Mom's translation: Well, the lyric speaks for itself but my parents would sing this to us whenever we wanted something but couldn't get it. The embarrassment of them singing in public quickly made us not want it anymore. I plan on doing this with my child too.
My parents owned a record player which I did indeed grow up using. I was able to listen to my Mom's David Bowie records when I was going through my own glam rock faze. I listened to the Stones, Doors, Janis Joplin, and all the greats on vinyl which is the way they should be listened too. My parents also had a record of the Woodstock concert that for some odd reason my brother and I HATED. When we were miss behaving on a Saturday afternoon they would BLAST it so the whole house would boom with it to punish us and sang at the top of their lungs. While I hated it at the time, looking back, it's a wonderful memory and one of the many reasons I am so grateful for the parents I had. For better or worse.
So, sorry about the rambling, let's start the mixing:
                                            1) Wild Horses: Rolling Stones
This has always been one of my favorite songs of The Stones. It is also my favorite moment in the documentary film Gimme Shelter. One of the things that has repeatedly gone threw my head since my mother's death is that she won't be at my wedding. This was supposed to be "our" thing that made us finally grow together as adults. Or so I assumed. There are many ways I plan on having her there with me on that day but one major one is I plan on walking down the aisle to this song. It's beyond perfect. I know I will most likely make myself ball but I know in that moment, when this song starts, I will fill her rush into me and be there. 
2) Janis Joplin: Mercedes Benz
I can't even begin to COUNT how many times my mother and I sang this at the top of our lungs as we drove back and forth from my ballet classes in the worst southern accents.
                                         3) Hair, the Musical - Aquarius
 It's truly hard to pick one song from this musical. She played this so many time in the car and I originally HATED it but it eventually grew on me. I actually chose this song because an Aquarius male (aka my boyfriend) has been one of the sole people who has gotten me threw this hard time. Btw, have you started to pick up the inner hippie of my mother?
4) Jefferson Airplane _Somebody to Love/White Rabbit
Oh lord did my mother love Grace Slick (a fellow Scorpio). The first dog I had as a child was named after Gracie Allen but sometimes we'd call her Grace Slick too.
                                             5) Nat King Cole -Love
It was tough to decide whether I should post the version by Natalie Cole or her father. My mother and I listened to them both alot when I was in grade school. I remember dancing down my drive-way everyday singing this song to the trees when waiting for my school bus. My Mom later revealed she used to watch me do this and it warmed her heart everytime
6) Passions Theme Song
I realize this is fairly weird to put on the mix but this song has so many happy memories with my Mom linked to it. We used to watch this soap opera together. I eventually had to stop watching it do to after school activities but I used to always jump around singing this song to her to cheer her up.
                                        7) Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time
Later in life, while I was in college my Mom developed a liking for Cyndi Lauper. I felt it to be very random but never asked why. I thought I'd throw one of her songs on the mix but honestly, I don't know if my Mom liked this song. It was Cyndi's later stuff that she liked.
8) John Lennon - Mother
I played this song over and over again the first few months after her death. While I wouldn't put her as the biggest Lennon/Beatles fan she still had the "Imagine" album in her car and I remember listening to it alot.
9) Cat Stevens - Father and Son
Ok, so, yes this song is titled "Father and Son" but it also works if you think about it as "Mother and Daughter".  This song, when I sit and fully invest myself into listening to it, will ALWAYS make me cry. The passing of a parent is always hard but I think there is something to be said when a son loses his father and a daughter loses her mother. I'm not sure how to explain it. If it's happened to you, you know and if it hasn't yet, you'll sadly know one day. Nothing I can say or do will protect you from it and I would never wish it on my worse enemy. It doesn't matter what your relationship is with the parent, it still hurts. Whether your close or distant and hoping to work through it one day, the death will jolt you. This song explains why you feel lost when they leave....now that I listen to it after the fact.
10) The Doors - The End 
Trying to pick a Doors song is REALLY hard when it comes to my Mom. Perhaps this one isn't the best but it was a song she loved. She wanted it to be played at her memorial service actually. It played in my head as we spread her ashes even though another song was being played. 
11) Rolling Stones -Ruby Tuesday 
Ok, it's a repeat of a band but I can't stress enough how much my Mom loved the Stones and how much I think of her when I hear ANY song by them. My Mom and I enjoyed going out to chain restaurants like Red Robin and Ruby Tuesday and secretly going up to the hostess and telling them it was one of our birthdays. You will ALWAYS get a free piece of cake if you do this. It's not like we couldn't afford it and yes, it's kinda being douchey and lying to a stranger but it made us giggle, so, whatever. I link the song Ruby Tuesday to this fond memory, of course.

12) Crosby Still & Nash - Teach Your Children
I heard her sing this song to me a million times. I have sung it a million times since. My mother was a woman who never doubted wanting to be a parent. This song seems fitting to be the last one...

Happy Birthday, Mom. I miss you more than you or I could ever imagine. 


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Timmy, The Penguin

I'd like to introduce you to my friend Timmy, The Penguin. I take him on every film I work on. Why? Because, well, look at him. He's ridiculous looking. Those crazy, creepy blue eyes help me keep a lookout on everything.
Timmy and I met and fell in love after wrapping out a children's show we worked on together. The show is now canceled but our love affair continued. I may or may not have just swiped him while leaving on my last day.
While not working he stays near my front door keeping a lookout on things. Originally he stayed on the floor near the door looking outside but one afternoon Jackson decided that he would enjoy chewing on Timmy's beak. This did not please Timmy or I so he now rests pleasantly out of Jackson's reach when he is not on movie sets with me.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Ok, so I realized yesterday's post was a little "debbie downer" and I apologize for that but it's what I was feeling at the time, so....whatever I'm not REALLY that sorry.
BUT to make up for it I thought I'd post a funny poem that Tina Fey wrote in her new book Bossypants that I swear my own mother could have written.
I hope you enjoy it!

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.
Guide her, protect her:
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.
What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.
“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes

Sunday, May 8, 2011

To those of you who know me you know my mother died almost 9 months ago. These 9 months have been the hardest 9 months of my life. I realized that nothing can prepare you for the death of a parent. That a parent's death is a different kind of death compared to anyone else's because let's face it, we think are parents are not an average person like us or anyone else. They are super humans.
You expect your parents to be there when you graduate high school then college. You expect them to be there when you get married. You expect them to be there when you have your first child. When things happen that change this it's pretty damn hard.
One thing I have learned in these past months can easily be stated from a quote from the book "The Year of Magical Thinking":
"We are imperfect mortal beings, aware of that mortality even as we push it away, failed by our very complication, so wired that when we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves. As we were. As we are no longer. As we will one day not be at all." 
While I miss my mother today I also miss the fact that I will never be able to call her again on Mother's Day. That I will not have a mother to call when I am pregnant and awake at 3am with heartburn to ask if it's normal. That I will not have her there when I become a mother myself. That I will not see the happiness in her face that I know she would have holding her grandchild. That my daughter won't know her grandmother. Yes, I know that this is WAY in the future but these are the many thoughts that have gone through my head a million times since she passed and many, many times today.
While I am sad I won't have these things I am so utterly grateful that I had the 24 years with my mother that I did. The good and the bad. My mother gave all herself, the best that she could, to raising my brother and I. She exposed us to so many wonderful things that most children never get to experience. 
I hope that everyone called their Mom today. 
Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I hope Janis Joplin sang to you to celebrate.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Hot Laaaaaava!

One of the reasons I always wanted to work in film was to basically live out of a suitcase. I actually enjoy hotels. Perhaps it's all the happy memories I had as a child going on vacations as a family. My parents would never let me jump on my bed BUT while on vacation, and in the hotel beds that did NOT belong to us, we were aloud to jump around on them and play a game I like to call "HOT LAVA" (where you jump around the room, never touch the floor, and when you fall, you fall into a pit of HOT LAVA and die a dramatic death).
I recently started another film. A film that I know is going to be a damn good film and that I'll be happy to say that I worked on. This is RARELY the case for me. I tend to work on crappy high budget action films. While I'm happy for the work there is something special when you come into work everyday and know you're making a really amazing film. The last time (and really ONLY time) I felt that way was on the film Leonie.
The current film I'm on is being filmed about a hour or more outside of New Orleans. Thankfully, the production company is being nice enough to put us up in a hotel during the week. It cuts down our drive dramatically and means I don't have to wake up at 3am everyday.
I may or may not have jumped on a bed last night and played the game HOT LAVA by myself. Yeah, I'm a "grown-up".
And check this shit! There is a stove top and everything! Not that I'll have time to use it but it makes me feel all fancy and VIP like.
A measuring cup? For realz? How long do people REALLY stay at this place? I feel so fancy pants!
Yes, I realize I own these things at home. Yes, I realize I'm not staying at a Deluxe Suite at the Ritz but hey, it's not like I'm used to this stuff. It still excites me. You know deep down it would excite ya'll too.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Signs: I Will Now Flush My Tampon

So, I recently ranted about signs that make me want to do the complete OPPOSITE of what they say. I would like to add one: Do Not Flush Your Tampons.
Honestly, I wouldn't have thought to flush my tampon until you asked me, Mr. Sign. Now the idea is in my head and it's like telling me not to push the big red flashing button. I NEED to do it.
But sometimes places go a little over board and it REALLY begins to piss me off and then I DO indeed flush my tampon just out of spit. Clearly I am filled with inner secret rage that I don't understand and that only Freud could figure out. There is a bar that I frequent often that is a perfect example.
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Exhibit C:
I believe there may be more of these signs in the ONE toilet bathroom but I'm normally a tad tipsy by the point I visit this bathroom to really notice or clearly take fully focused photos.
You know what, bar management? I really don't like you're passive aggressive sass. I also really don't like your dickhead bartenders. The only reason I take your abuse is because I can 1) walk to your bar from my house and 2) You have 3 dollar Long Island Ice Teas. 

P.S. This post maaaaay or may not have been written while Aunt Flow was indeed visiting.